jaygibbons

09:58 am: When you're slidin' in to home and your pants are full of foam....
DIARRHEA. DIARRHEA.

Today me and some of the guys went to Boog's BBQ for lunch before the game. This was not a good idea. I had a rage in my belly that couldn't be stopped with a thousand bottles of Immodium. Of course, no one had sympathy for me. I told Maz that I didn't know if I could play and Bigbie started yelling "PUT A CORK UP YOUR ASS AND GET OUT THERE YOU PANSY". I bet he put something in my potato salad that made me have the Devil shits. God, it was agony. I had to run to the toilet every 5 minutes. I accidentally let a little bit out when I dove to catch a grounder, but luckily it didn't stain my pants.

I'm currently catching shit over in thedugout because of the gay scandal with the A's. I'm gonna have to start calling them Oakland "Take it up the" A's, because it's becoming a homosexual 3 ring circus over there with those freaks. Whatever. I find some good stuff like that and I'm gonna share it. After all, I don't have any friends and have nothing better to do with my time.

We're playing Detroit tonight. I hate that motherfucker Rodriguez. He's always trying to start shit when I'm at bat. It's hard not to pay attention. Rafi has a hookup with Viagra, so I think I'm going to get a shitload of it to give to Pudge. He must have a hard time keeping it up, with the steroids and all.

Tonight when I went out to my car there was a pair of panties on the windshield. I got real excited, cause that never happens to me, EVER. I pulled them off and they were HUGE granny panties. With a tube of clearasil rolled up in there. The note said, "Use this and maybe then I'll fuck you, Sloth". I FUCKING HATE BIGBIE. I KNOW HE DID THAT. It couldn't have been Sammy because the note was actually in English. I'm gonna have a lot to talk to my shrink about today. Gotta go - Literally. I still have the shits.

11:25 pm: Things are looking up already!


Look what someone posted for me. Granted, it's a little weird, but cool at the same time. I wonder if she's hot. I wonder if she'd be willing to go out on a date with me.

11:06 pm: That's right, bitches.
Who does the city of Baltimore have to thank for our kick ass win tonight? Me, that's who. But do they thank me? No. Unless you call people shouting "Nice game, but you're still ugly motherfucker" as being thankful. I sure as hell don't. We lost Javy tonight. And we lost that bitch ass B Rob. It's going to be a tough few games, but I think we'll make it through all right. I may not be able to do a lot of things, but I can win a goddamn baseball game, this I know.

Bigbie is still flaunting Tiffany in my face. I swear one day I'm going to haul off and choke that bitch. Of course, no one will ever take my side because no one ever does. I just want things to go right for me in all aspects of my life, so I'll know what it's like to be truly happy. Good things like that just don't happen to ugly guys like me. Sure I have a hot bod, but when you look like something that was pulled out of a woodchipper, the chicks really don't give you the time of day. I was browsing online earlier and saw a few photos of me from Fan Photo Day. Someone actually said that I looked like Sloth from the Goonies. It's not my fault that I have bad skin and floppy ears and jumbled up teeth. One guy at the game tonight even yelled "HAY YOU GUYS!!!" at me trying to be cute and all. I'm lucky I was still able to catch the damn ball.

Speaking of bad skin, I FINALLY got my Proactiv in the mail today. I can't wait to put it on and see the results. If I can get my skin to look like Jessica Simpson's, I'll buy a lifetime supply of the stuff. I'm tired of the guys in the clubhouse replacing my acne cream with BenGay. I can't tell you all the times I've cried myself to sleep with my face on fire. I'll get those fuckers one day.

12:57 pm: Hey guys.
Not too much is going on here. I'm still feeling kind of depressed. I have an appointment with a new shrink once I get back from this road trip. I'm feeling really positive about it and trying to work through the resentment that I have for Bigbie and Sosa. I'd still like both of them to take a long walk off of a short cliff, but I guess I can't have everything, and really, that's not very good team spirit. Hopefully this new psychiatrist will be able to delve into my innermost thoughts and give me some insight as to why I can't get a date and everyone seems to hate me.

Apparently Tiffany and Bigbie are now dating. And apparently Bigbie can bite my acne laden ass.

Speaking of hating Bigbie, I found someone who does like me, but look whose pic she posts? L.B.'s!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!!?? HELLO! I'M THE ONE WHO GAVE YOU A FLOWER!

AND WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS BITCH THINK SHE IS? She's got an icon of D-Lowe with a huge bonar looking like a complete fag, so I guess I can't take her TOO seriously.

I got an email from Proactiv. I should be getting it in the next week. Can't wait.

I've been going out at night, trying to see if I can pick up some Chicago chicks with no luck. Typical. The ones on the South Side are way skanky so I thought it would be easy.

Whatever, I guess I'm just a born loser. Except when it comes to baseball, cause obviously I kick ass there.

04:58 pm: Ugh.
Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I haven't really been feeling too social lately. I've been waiting for my Proactiv to come, and still nothing. I called them yesterday to see what was up, and they told me that ever since Alicia Keyes and P.Diddy have been hawking that shit, it's been flying off the shelves. It's backordered for 3 weeks. Fuckers. Oh, well. I've been an outcast for 27 years, another three weeks probably won't hurt that much.

Thank God Sammy's been out with that fucked up foot. I haven't been harrassed as much since he's become immobile. He has gone out with Bigbie and Roberts, so maybe it's just the calm before the storm and they're getting ready to play a REALLY nasty trick on me, like the time they told me my dog got hit by a car. Or the time they made a fake newscast showing my house on fire. Or the time they set me up on a blind date with a man.

I got moved to 9th in the batting order. I've been told that it's because we can finally afford the "luxury" of having me bat back there, but Bigbie just said it was a PR move so that people wouldn't have to see me so much during a game. You know, cause the TV cameras get really close up and you can see every little clogged pore on my goddamn acne ridden face. I hate my parents for procreating like this. Why can't my sister be the ugly one?

07:35 pm: Doin' Nothin.
We didn't have a game today, so I just bummed around the house for most of the day. I tried calling a few guys to see if they wanted to see a movie, cause I had matinee tickets to see Miss Congeniality 2. There were no takers. Everytime I call someone to see if they want to go out, they always say that they're busy.

I saw that the high school down the street was having a baseball game this afternoon, so I decided to go to that. I'm always careful not to wear any Orioles items out into public, because I hate getting recognized. Sure enough, some snotnose kid comes up to me during the game and says, "Aren't you that Gibbons guy from the Orioles?" "No", I said. Then that little bastard goes running back to his friends yelling "See, I told you that guy is uglier than Gibbons!" Dude! I wish people would quit commenting about my looks. It really hurts. Is it my fault I have bad genes? Bad skin? NO! I ordered some Proactiv solution, because it sure did wonders clearing up Jessica Simpson's skin. If it can fix her, I know it can fix me.

01:18 pm: Again...
WE LOST AGAIN. I GOT BEER THROWN ON ME AGAIN. MY LIFE SUCKS AGAIN.

Word got out about my fake girlfriend. I went on some internet site, and I picked out the one that I wanted, and she sends me nice emails and letters, and she calls me everyday. Her name is Tiffany. As a PAYING CUSTOMER to this service, I am very enraged at what happened yesterday. As usual, Bigbie had stolen my cell phone. He'll usually hide it somewhere gross, like the toilet or his unwashed jock strap, and then he'll keep calling me, so I'll follow the ringing to find the phone. Well, yesterday, Tiffany called me before he had a chance to hide it. She started talking to Bigbie, and she told him all about the service, and Bigbie told EVERYONE.

How many people can say they got dumped by a FAKE GIRLFRIEND!?! DAMN! When is my life gonna start looking up already?

Sammy left me a voicemail that was all: "aoih thowoei goihwoeing goinewgowegwe sdsoizdxx ogienwggksd akjsdlkjfasd Jay aslkjlkjf joweiowfef PAY FOR GIRLFRIEND! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm going to get a translator and figure out what he said. I really hate that bastard.

To top it all off, Bigbie has a DATE WITH HER!!! Why does he have to steal everything that's good in my life? I'm gonna go and rub all of his stuff with Ben-Gay. Who's gonna have the last laugh when his balls are on fire? Me, that's who.

08:56 am: My new nickname
So, last night we lost to the Blue Jays. I would like to remind everybody that I am the one who tied the game, okay? Then that pansy ass Bigbie couldn't get us a run. Just goes to show you that even though he's popular with the ladies, he still can't do shit when it really matters. Bigbie is getting on my last damn nerve lately. People throw beer on me alot. Of course you don't hear about it on TV, cause I'm not Gary fucking Sheffield. But by the end of a normal home game I smell like a drunk whore outside Johnny Damon's hotel room. Away games are even worse. Ever since Bigbie saw some asshole toss one on me, he's been calling me "O'Douls", because he says I'm not hard enough to be a beer that is actually alcoholic. He doesn't know shit about being hard enough considering I caught him diggin' into Rafi's stash of Viagara the other day.

P.S. - Who do I have to bang to get membership to thedugout? DAMN!

02:55 pm: Fucker.
I'm gonna kill that motherfucker Sosa. I know that sonofabitch can speak perfectly good english. He's always yelling strange things at me and pointing at his face. I know he's making fun of me, that dumb bastard. I think I'm going to hire someone to pretend to be an INS officer. He would FREAK OUT if he thought he was getting deported. I heard Mark Prior did that to him once and Sammy got so pissed he did some kind of Dominican santeria crap on him. I bet that's why his elbow is so fucked up.